Today I unknowingly participated in a form of dance that most would not consider to be ritualistic. The effects though were as if I had come out of a state of meditation for hours. This dance was the Lindy Hop and as the day withered away so did my ability to dance. But the dance is only the method in which I was able to achieve my state of clarity.
I became extremely fatigued mentally during the final minutes of the dance despite my body being full of energy. The dance occurred below ground in the basement of a hundred year old building with no natural light penetrating the interior. As I emerged it seems that there was a certain clarity in the air. A clarity that if one were walking in a fog which suddenly is lifted with the dawning of the sun. It is a strange feeling but only strange in a sense that it was as if I were walking through a foggy field for months then being confronted with the sun in my very next step. The weather was very pleasant which added to the beauty of the world surrounding me. I was in awe of everything around me that I pass everyday.
One thing I pondered in my clear state of mind was the fact that I have been running from my calling for over a year. That calling which is creating art is the one thing that gave me purpose in life and a place in the world. It is how I was able to understand everything around me and share my voice with others. Suddenly I ran away from it. Trying to convince myself that I was not an artist and in this last year it has had a profound effect on myself and the people around me.
When a piece of a person is missing one tries to compensate in ways that are unnatural and detrimental ones well being. To the ones closest to me I felt that they blamed themselves for my disposition. To them I became a different person but in such a gradual sense that the new me seemed like the real me. The mirror showed me a foreign entity trying to be something it was not. But this entry is not a pity party about my misdeeds during my fall from grace. Rather it is a proclamation that I have been running from what I should truly be doing in life and filling in the void with things that are toxic to my being.
On my journey home I came across two men whom I have known in the past but had not seen for almost ten years. Both of them queried about my artwork and my gallery. Both of which were at my past currently. The art is the one thing people remember about me and yet it is the one thing I had let go. One thing I had let slip away gradually.
Today I decide to stop running away. My feet are firmly planted in the ground and I am determined to go back to creating art. I will journey to find that piece of me once more. I do have many art supplies and adhesives to mend myself together once more. To my beloved and my family I sincerely apologize for stranger I have been this past year. To all the people there who have appreciated my work I will focus anew on art and my life. To those who have patiently made it this far on my blog I commend you for you patience and focus.
One more thing is that I believe the creation of art for me is both a necessity and a duty. By running from both I have harmed both body and soul. Today I will begin my journey to the new person that I was meant to be with a daily drawing.
No comments:
Post a Comment